I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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