you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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