God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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