it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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