Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
