i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Is it penis luge time yet?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
