Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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