I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
