i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We're too hungover to prance.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
