I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
