I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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