Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
