Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
