i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
