Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
