I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
