I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
