After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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