sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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