im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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