im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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