careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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