come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize