When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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