I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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