Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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