how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You can't motorboat a personality
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
