I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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