she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
