Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
