I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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