dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
