so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
