theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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