And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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