My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
