I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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