Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you never un-have a 4some
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
