i already hear my dad disowning me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If I die, sorry about rent.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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