She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
