quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Houston, we have a blender
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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