Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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