I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
