Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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