I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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