you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
