Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
