I'm sorry my penis didn't work
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
