i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize