I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
