Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
