he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize