If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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