Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well I just put wine in my tea
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
