New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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