im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize