remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
