The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
