I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
