At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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