Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
