All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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