Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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