im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
